When was the last time you screamed your loudest? Or wore mitch match clothing maybe even embraced your own funk? When was the last time you felt invincible and free? How often do you put aside your inhibitions and be yourself completely? The greatest exploration in the world is the journey in unraveling more than just your hair from within a bun or removing clothing before a good bath, but being your authentic self despite what others think. Everyday I make the effort to challenge the slightest feeling of doubt within me. When feeling insecure I question why. Why am I ashamed and where does this shamefulness derive? Usually my answer leads right back to my inquisition of another’s possible perception of me. To be frank who gives a damn what Sal and Joe think! Hey if Sal and Joe were as ‘caught up’ with my idea of who they are I’m certain Sal and Joe wouldn’t do the things they do. If everyone is being mindful of everyone else’s business then who is caring for everyone individually? I can not care for me if I am consumed with insecurity solely based off what another man or woman thinks. It is impossible to be attentive of my needs when every time I decide to eat a meal I ponder,” what would Sal eat?” Or if I decide to sport a new hairdo and I question,” does Joe like the color red? How about Billy?” Sal, Billy nor Joe pay my bills every month nor wipe my bottom at noon. Sal, Billy and Joe alike the rest of us are personas seeking a role within this world where they can be themselves comfortably. If you ask me everyone is seeking and have sought a position within life where they are entitled to their own self care and acceptance.
Though there are the few of us whom frown at another ‘doing them’ as they say or are critical of the bunch I must imply they too the ‘envying analytics’ are just as eager to break free from within their shell. Some of us simply don’t know how! I explained to a friend recently that the more I spend time alone the greater I have become in remaining true. It isn’t a fight for me to remain authentic, it has become effortless. I too explained to him that I notice how speculative others have become of me in being unapologetically myself. Truth be told when someone doesn’t like you ‘out of the blue’ there is usually no logical reason behind their dislike. Haters haven’t anyway in explaining their awe or intrigue of you being fit. Instead of asking,” sister how did you become so confident to wear that dress?” Or,” brother how did you rise above societal pressure?” They instead belittle and devalue our character through mocking, subtle betrayal and character assassination. While all along they are taking note of the uniqueness we portray, just to eventually imitate our philosophy. Yes copy cats are the first haters whom have drunk the purple hate-o-rade! They may play it off as though they are despising all that we do, but trust and believe a year or two later those so called ‘wacky’ clothes you wore to the prom will be their next ‘go-to’ gear as ”trending” and that eccentric perception you held of life will eventually become their epitome of Psalm. I was the girl in grade school who sported big hair wore handy downs rocked my grunge booties and digged a good pair of vintage lime green fishnets. I sported my fishnets alongside an oversized eighties gray and blue wool sweater (shoulder pads included) with magenta pumps to match. I dressed up often to school and was usually though covertly teased for being creative with my attire.
I remember being told I dressed weird for rocking an oversized boy’s skater t-shirt with ragged jeans. I never titled my style then as grunge or ‘hip’ I dressed how I felt. If I felt cool I looked cool. I too sported bell-bottoms paired with a red peep whole top and afro. Yes in the two thousands I declared myself as the modern disco queen! While some school mates applauded my style many couldn’t fathom as to why I’d rock high waist skirts and pants. I on the other hand could not understand why would not anyone. Hello? Bell-bottoms and lace are hot! I type this now while giggling at just the thought of how backwards modern fashion is. As a fashion junkie it’s OK for me to make this statement. I imagine how many of us have been told,” o, you talk too proper” or even,” you talk white.” As though being well mannered was only a ‘white thing’. I had a late boyfriend poke fun at my emphasis in speech and my as I’d like to state ‘cleverly wit way’ with words. This poking fun first began in elementary and carried into young adulthood. I loved my good ol’ English linguistic grammar books and all American spook hard covers what can I say? A girl loves horror and all things overly elaborated. I use to feel so embarrassed and a few moments in time insecure about my speech. There became a point within my life when I tried to speak more ‘hip’ or so called ‘black’ just to prove my ‘belonging’ among my peers. Though I know better now, I can not help but to still squirm a little when someone tells me,” o, boy you talk proper!” As though alarmed that someone who looks like me could ever be so well equipped with words. Yes, I know it’s a compliment, but c’mon now leave a girl alone. Just like fashion styles can trend so can lingo and everything else created by people. I suppose the moral of this story is pretending to be someone you are not just to appease another will not fixate their issue with who you are. You can try your damnest to fit in yet you will always stick out like a sore thumb. When it is meant for you to shine there is no shade of darkness which can shelter your light. Also might I imply you being yourself could very well become a “trend” one day. Nowadays I see so evidently what then I was caused to feel insecure of as a child and adolescent, but man looking at the rate copy cats or ‘envying analytics’ are at this prime can I share sooner than later authenticity too will trend. So express yourself the world is waiting!