I deleted Tinder again.
I’ve actually delete,re-downloaded and deleted it three times this week. Not because my phone is giving me trouble, but because I’m having a hard time deciding what I want from the men I match with.
When you join a dating site or app. it is my belief that you are doing so with an intention, Whether it be relationship, dating, casual encounters, etc. At one point I was sure that I wanted a relationship, but in the middle of last year I opened up to the act of dating in attempt not to “put all of my eggs in one basket”. I was convinced that action was what caused me heartache and disappointment in the past. I was determined to enjoy my single life and just see what’s out there. In that moment I felt free. I felt that I was finally at peace in the romantic section of my life, but then something occurred that shifted my atmosphere.
Someone significant from my past contacted me and whether they intended to or not, they gave me an uninvited reminder of what love felt like. I won’t bore you guys with all the particulars, but what it came to was me laying my cards on the table and him not choosing me. It was hurtful as hell. It’s never a good feeling when the one that you love does not love you back. When that happens to someone, it throws everything off balance. I’m not sad anymore, but I’m still a little unsure. It’s like my heart is like the typical girl that doesn’t know what she wants to eat. That certainty of my intent is damn near nonexistent. Why? It It is because on one hand I still very much want a relationship, on another,I want to date casually, and on yet another, sometimes I want to satisfy temporary needs and keep it moving. I’m afraid, because when I fall for someone I fall hard, and when that happens you either land in their arms or you fall on your face. I fell on my face. So, now I look in the mirror and see bruising instead of certainty.
Do you know the song, “Hear My Call” by Jill Scott? I sing that song to myself daily trying to nurse my belief in love back to health while, at the same time,daydreaming about baecations with my future husband. Do you know how uncomfortable it is when someone has so much love to give, but is afraid to share it ? That’s my reality. I have probably swiped left on my soul mate a thousand times due to be being fooled twice as much. Folks seem to get satisfaction out of how many matches they get more than actual conversation, and those that do take the time to converse could either care less about you,and more so about the whereabouts of your nudes, or they are long distance. Meanwhile, I’m out here selling a fallacy that I’m just “wanting to see what’s out there and let the the vibe take me where it’s meant to” in an attempt not to, I guess, scare anyone off.Yet I know that,deep down,I want a relationship that I also know that I’m afraid to be completely vulnerable in, at this time. So yea…I deleted tinder.
If God sees fit to bless me with something organically,so be it, but I’m on dating app sabbatical until my certainty resurfaces.